I wrote this as a mock news piece for The Costa Rica Star. Needless to say, it pissed some people off! Come on people, I am no Orson Welles! But if I made you mad and turned your stomach... then I did my job well.
For the rest of you fine readers, enjoy!
….Meanwhile, in Jacó, zombies attack....
The OIJ and other Costa Rican authorities have finally found
a semblance of facts as to the cause of the bizarre zombielike and suicidal behavior
which occurred in Jacó two weeks ago. A
suitcase full of “Bath Salts”, the confusingly named Mephadrone and Methylenedioxypyrovarone based potpourri drug, was legally checked in through Costa Rica’s customs department
from a flight out of Miami, Florida.
Jonathan Mora, a Costa Rican import and export broker easily
passed the drugs into the country three weeks ago for the same reasons that “Bath
Salts” have flown under the radar in head shops and novelty shops in the United
States for the last year or more, the packaging. Mora’s shipment was labeled, “Lavender
Rush, aromatically energizing bath salt, not for human consumption.” Records
show that Mr. Mora simply paid the duties on the 300 individual “Lavender Rush”
bags, the same kind of product that is allegedly responsible for the psychotic behavior
of Louisiana’s Carl Jacquneaux, the Causeway Cannibal, and many other recent incidents of violence and suicide that have taken place in the U.S.
The lead up to the mayhem that occurred that fateful Saturday night two weeks ago is still a subject of hot debate. There are very few facts and much of the official reports are mere conjecture. But, according to a recent OIJ bulletin, the "Bath Salts" were brought to the town of Jaco and
repackaged into the “Dime Bags” that are typical of cocaine and MDMA. The
dangerous concoctions were given away under the ruse that it was cocaine and
snort-able ecstasy or a party mix of the two.
The drug was given out indiscriminately on Saturday evening. The
main recipients seemed to have been prostitutes and the everyday hard-core partiers
of the town. But many weekenders from San José just letting loose for the
weekend and tourists as well were given the drug, reportedly for free. It’s
almost as if Jonathan Mora – who has still not been found - was conducting a
psycho-stimulant social experiment. It is thought that some 300 people in the Jacó area received
“Bath Salts” with the idea that it was Cocaine or MDMA (Ecstasy). Over 100
violent reactions of varying degrees took place throughout the night.
The Costa Rica Star has been able to contact some of the
observers, survivors and culprits/ drugged victims of what is now known as “The
Bath Salts Zombie Frenzy of Jacó, Costa Rica” for their statements.
“I was walking down the street with a friend. We had just had a
few drinks, you see, and we wanted to check out other bars. I saw this small
group of two dark skinned prostitutes, maybe Dominicans and a guy. Presumably
he was from the U.S. or Canada, but I can’t really say for sure, because I
never heard him speak. Anyhow, they were stumbling down the street towards us
when suddenly, the smaller of the two girls takes the other one to the ground
and rips open her blouse. She exposes the larger woman’s ample breasts and
begins biting them. We were dumb-struck and stopped in our tracks. With one of
her first bites, she swallowed the other girl’s nipple and most of the outer
part…what’s it called… the areola? I couldn’t decide what to do. I was about to
intervene when I noticed that the one who was now gushing blood from her breast
was stroking the attacking girl’s hair and cupping the back of her head, almost the way a mother would comfort a suckling
baby. The guy was hooting and hollering. A moment later he tears off the skirt
and panties of the one who is on her knees ravaging her friend’s breast and
proceeds to try and have sex with her from behind. Thing is, he never takes his
pants down. He’s just more or less air humping her with her torn panties still
gripped tightly in his left hand. I snap back to attention when I hear the
sickening sound of skin popping. The smaller girl has gotten her fingers
inside of the nipple hole she created and started ripping, pulling and
stretching it like she was trying to open a stubborn bag of potato chips. When the 450 cc silicon bag came sliding out
the side of the larger girl’s breast to flop down onto the dirty concrete, I
grabbed my buddy by the shirt and ran.” – Mark Hirkon, vacationer from Fort
Worth, Texas.
“My name is Gloriana Vasquez and I was there in Jacó during
the Frenzy. My friend Ashley had just gotten some Ecstasy and Cocaine given to
her, so we went into the bathroom of the night club that we were dancing in to
do a few bumps. At first I felt fine. I felt like I could party all night long.
But after a while, the atmosphere changed. It got dark. I could feel the
oppressive weight of badness pushing in on me from all corners of the club.
Instinctively, without even thinking about it, I had my straight razor in my
hand to protect myself from all the badness that was sure to come from the
darkness. A dead clown came out of the shadows and attacked me…so I started
slashing out at its retched, disgusting face with my straight blade. I was so
scared. It had long sharp teeth that were oozing with venom and mottled purple
skin that looked like it was poorly covered with old white grease paint. So,
when I knocked the clown thing backwards and down to the ground, I kept on
slashing at it. I climbed on top of it to pin it down and kept slashing at its
head. I thought… I can’t let it get back
up. If it gets back up it will devour me. Thinking back on all of this,
(Gloriana is now weeping) I remember telling Ashley that she had done her eye
make-up too big that evening and that she should tone it down if she didn’t
want to go out looking like a clown.”
Note: The interview took place in El Buen Pastor Woman’s
Correctional Facility in Desemparados. Ashley Vasillo (Mrs. Vasquez’s friend) is
still in critical condition. She is blind in both eyes and her face looks like
it has been run through a meat grinder. Over 50 deep straight razor slashes cut
away most of her lips, nose, cheeks, gums and left deep grooves into the bone
structure of her face. It should also be noted that the razor blows were thrown
with such strength and fury that she is missing three fingers on her right hand
two from her left hand, defensive wounds inflicted while trying to protect her
face and neck.
“We were walking, my wife and I, when we were attacked by two
young men. They tackled us as we were coming back from looking at the moon on
the beach front. It wasn’t long before I realized that I was in mortal combat
with the young man that tackled me. And upon this realization, I knew that my
wife was in serious trouble. I was trying to fight the man off as fast as I
could… so that I could help my wife. But he was bigger and younger than me
(this he says while looking down shamefully at his feet). As I was screaming and
punching at my attacker, I could see that the other man had started to bash my
wife in the head with a loose chunk of concrete. She only weighed 100 pounds;
she didn’t stand a chance. The bastard kept bashing and bashing at her head
until it split open like a melon. I watched in horror as he pulled away the
softened sections of bone and hair and started pulling out parts of my lovely
wife’s brain. He didn’t eat it. At least I don’t think that he put any in his
mouth. Instead, he painted his face and chest with her brain matter and blood… he was
arching his back and howling at the moon like he had completed some sort of animalistic
rite. I screamed and cried, resigning
myself to die with her when three sharp pops rang out. The young man who was
attacking me slumped over dead on top of me and the one wiping my wife’s brain
on his face fell over sideways with most of his head gone. – Mario Castillo,
small business owner from San José, Costa Rica.
Note: The two attackers were identified as 23 and 24 year old Jon and Michael
Perkins. Educated brothers from Providence, Rhode Island. All character reports
say that they were laid back, friendly individuals who hadn’t even been in a
fist fight since grammar school. Mario’s rescuer was Motel and Bar owner, Jim
Dougherty, an American Expat that just happened to be leaving for the night
with his safe drop money. Because of the fact that he was to be transporting
money, he brought along his hand gun.
“This one guy just punched his hooker friend in the face for no
apparent reason. Then he ran out into oncoming traffic and screamed in rage and
lowered his shoulder like he was going to Incredible Hulk body check a Toyota
Prado that was already almost on him and going about 40 miles per hour. His
face slammed into the Prado’s head lamp and he went ricocheting across the
street only to be mowed down by a pick-up truck traveling the opposite
direction.” – Sarah Linsky, TEFL English teacher living in Jacó.
“Jacó’s ability to respond to the multiple acts of violence was
hampered severely by two police officers entering the main Jacó police
station and opening fire against their comrades. 3 were killed and 6 wounded before the two
crazed officers were gunned down. This put our already limited security force under
even more duress, the loss of 11
officers.” – Municiple Attorny General
There is still no firm number on the amount of injuries related to
the Bath Salts Zombie Frenzy of Jaco. Authorities believe it may be between the
numbers of 150 and 200 . The current death toll lingers at 45 persons. However,
there are still people in critical condition in various hospitals throughout
Costa Rica.
Those who experienced the Bath Salt Zombie Frenzy of Jacó first
hand and we here at the Costa Rica Star can thank god for the pending rainy
season. A few days of heavy rain may wash the blood from the sidewalks, but the
carpets in Jacó’s hotels and the furniture Jacó’s bars and night clubs will never
come clean. The blood that has been etched into those fabrics will remain
forever.
